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Michelle Lovato: To save Captain Stinkybottom

The Adventures of Garlic Man and Wedgie Woman

Posted: February 5, 2009 12:50 a.m.
Updated: February 5, 2009 4:55 a.m.

Michelle Lovato

 
It was a dark and stormy night, and I was trying desperately to convince my bladder it wasn't full. The wind sliced through my bedroom window crack as I lay embedded in my mattress, surrounded on three sides by the best blankets in the house. My husband lay on the other side of my blanket berm in a steady drool.

There was no need to look at him. I've seen it, smelled it, been terrified by it all before.

The memory of icy floor tile on my feet haunted me as my bladder protested against my will for relief.

A subtle thunder rumbled from under the Sandman's side of the bed and he quickly twisted away from his fume flume, sending a noxious cloud in my general direction. I jumped to hide my delicate nose, but the odoriferous burst jet across the bed and fell on me like a biological weapon.

I was motivated to move. I scowled at Rip Van Winkle, threw my blankets open and gave him a quick leg jab. Barely awake I rubbed my eyes.

More thunder rumbled down under. Scary.

I stepped onto the tile and shuffled across the floor toward the bathroom, stopping with a start and starting to recognize the unsettled emotion creeping around just under my pounding heart.

I twisted my head to the left just a touch so as to hear. Footsteps.

Oh, Lordy, the Moth Man's coming to get me. No, it's an alien-human half-breed, here to impregnate me with an alien child.

I slashed my head from one side to the other looking for my not-so-friendly neighborhood werewolf-man who planned to snatch me away for his night time snack.

Great gobs of goo! Everything's gone dark. I'm blind, I knew it. The Hillside Strangler knows I've always thought he was ugly.

Palo malo! Even my breath is hiding.

The breakage of wind from my husband's tail pipe broke my concentration as my Dearly Just Farted twisted again.

I'm still alive, I told him in a high-pitched paranoia. "Umgg." Yep. I'm alive.

With courage, determination and the threat of my own leaky pipes I scampered to the bathroom. Once seated, I began to convince myself I was being silly. But I was wrong.

Something was moved across the floor. Something small. Rat!

I pulled my feet from the floor. My IBS turned to TNT.

This was no ordinary rat. It moved quickly, with intention, direction - and my bra.

Oh, goobers!

It's one of those bugs that creeps up from the floor and sucks the lifeblood out of humans. It lost its way and thinks I'm still inside my underwear.

All thought ceased. Actually. A dumb, floor-creeping lifeblood-sucker could work to my advantage if I just direct it to Mr. Frown and Drool. Nah.

Oh no! That, that, thing is headed for my bed.

I rubbed my eyes and developed a plan. Like it or not, I love the big guy. I gotta save him.

"Umgg," he snarled. "Stop thinking so loud. You're bothering me." I wondered if my plan to save him was appropriate.

But as I gathered my wits and pjs about me, I realized that if I was going to save Captain Stinky Bottom and fight with an angry bloodsucking-alien-half-breed with 25 simultaneously moving fingers and toes that can grab me by the neck, waist and arms ... and if I was going to tackle this werewolf intending to hail his android friends like a taxi to come and impregnate me with slimy spawn ... and if I was going to do this all without any weapons, the least I could do was turn on the light.

With one lightening-fast flip it the light was on. Now that I could see, I was sure I was braver - and smarter - than those scary movie chicks that get carved into shank steaks in the dark. A quick survey of the place, then all at once a myriad of emotion swelled in my guts.

Here it is.

I sucked in my breath, blinked my eyes, gulped my tongue and focused on the bra-eating rat creature ready to take my life. My brain kicked in all I thought was ...

I've been watching too many X Files DVDs.

My two-pound Yorkie, Indiana Jones, strode valiantly away with my underwear and Captain Stinky Bottom didn't care a thing about it.

Umgg.

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