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Jim Walker: Going undercover with the ‘Goat Man’

Don't Take Me Seriously

Posted: July 27, 2012 2:00 a.m.
Updated: July 26, 2012 9:20 p.m.
 

Maybe you saw that “Goat Man” story in the news in recent days, accompanied by some very unsettling long-distance photos. The original chronicle put it thusly: “A man dressed like a goat, crawling on his hands and knees among a herd of real, wild goats, has been spotted by multiple people in Utah.”

But the clearest photo I saw didn’t show any goats around, just a doofus in a white, short-horned costume sitting on a rugged mountainside in “The Thinker” position, obviously contemplating the tragic sequence of life events that brought him to this obsession.

And I’ll bet his favorite movie is “The Men Who Stare at Goats.”

(Insert rimshot here.)

While many interesting theories were offered as to who and what was involved with the Goat Man (aliens, genetic mutation, secret military tests, reefer madness, etc.), the word from Utah wildlife officials is now that the guy was from Southern California, and testing out the suit on Utah mountain goats, in preparation for an archery hunt of mountain goats next year.

Ri-i-ight.

Did you see that mountainside? No one would go to that much trouble just for practice. He was either hunting illegally or going to great extremes to get away from The Wife.

Of course, he could be working on a reality TV show called “The Goat Whisperer.”
(And I hereby copyright the idea.)

In the follow-up story, the only criticism they could come up with was that the guy might be annoying the goats — and thereby putting himself in danger from an angry billy goat who might give him a severe head-butting.

But I submit that mountain lions prey on mountain goats, and this guy might appear as the easiest prey ever, albeit the ugliest goat ever. And, beyond that, I submit our stalker might also be in danger from a randy billy goat who might consider another approach to the situation.

Can you say “Bahh-AA!”?

Now mine was not the only facile mind that immediately began to work with this variation of the old “stalking horse” technique.
(BTW, I have a psychological thriller screenplay by that title, which it seems it might be time to trundle out again for a re-marketing.)
And the instantaneous plunge my thoughts took after reading the Goat Man story was into the pool of other situations where stalking in costume might come in handy.

The first, and most obvious, situation one thinks of is guys stalking women in bars, while dressed like women. But then, of course, the TV series “Bosom Buddies” comes to mind, or other takeoffs on this concept.

And in these cases the recurring problem is that, while you may gather some great intel in this way, it had better be for use on women at some other place and time, because the ones you are now “one of” only know you as a girl.

And, of course, while you are stalking women, as a woman, you are also going to be stalked by other men who are not in girl costumes — because, no matter how repulsive a woman you might appear to be, guys will be guys, and guys will wear beer goggles.

If you want to try out this scam, be my guest. But let me know how it goes. And, oh yeah, warn me that you wear a red scarf or something when you’re a girl, so I don’t make any mistakes when I’ve got my goggles on.

Now, turning elsewhere to explore this incognito form of intelligence gathering, you might:

Dress up as a gorilla and jump in the ape pen at the zoo. You will surely learn some inside information.

Or go stylin’ in a bear costume and try out people’s swimming pools. I hear those tranquilizer darts bring a nice high.

And finally, why not put on a “furry” costume and attend a fetish convention? Maybe you’ll get invited to a “party” afterward. And maybe you’ll meet Goat Man there.

Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.

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