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Jim Walker: Beaten badly by brutal birthdays

Don't Take Me Seriously

Posted: July 6, 2012 2:00 a.m.
Updated: July 6, 2012 2:00 a.m.
 

In recent weeks, several friends of mine have “celebrated” big birthdays – you know, the scary kind, with a zero as the second digit in the age, and where the birthday parties are “accessorized” by black balloons … and where grown men cry.


I have seen these public humiliations firsthand, amigos, these celebrations of decay, these committings-to-the-deep, and I can tell you, only fools wander willingly in these wastelands, and even they tread lightly.


And here I speak of both the malicious birthday party, and the cruel times-ten birthday, itself.


Now, of course, I have only aged-through a few such birthdays … ahem … as my friends are all so much older than I am. But, even so, I have heard that these heavier decade-stackers have a way of altering your perceptions. You start out at age 10, young and strong and eager to see what life has to offer … and gradually get beaten down through 30, 40, 50, 60, etc. until you’d really rather not encounter any more surprises.

In fact, by the bigger decade changes, you pretty much would just like to relive past good times.
I propose that senility is not infirmity, so much as it is an escape from it.

And so, just for fun, let’s take a look at how perceptions change on the big birthdays. We’ll look at 10, 20, 40 and 60, and see how these age milestones affect the answers to certain questions.

Question: Do you like animals?
Answer at 10 years old: “Yes, I have a hamster.”
20 years old: “Yes, I have a spider tattoo.”
40 years old: “I used to, but my ex took the dog.”
60 years old: “The cats are my special friends.”

Question: What is your favorite food?
10 years old: “Mac and cheese. My mom makes it so good.”
20 years old: “Mac and cheese. It’s all I can afford.”
40 years old: “Mac and cheese. It’s all I can cook.”
60 years old: “Mac and cheese. It helps bind things together, if you know what I mean.”

Question: What is your favorite color?
10 years old: “Blue.”
20 years old: “Metallic blue.”
40 years old: “Black.”
60 years old: “There are no colors left.”

Question: What’s the best part of the day?
10 years old: “Recess.”
20 years old: “Midnight.”
40 years old: “Happy hour.”
60 years old: “Bedtime.”

Question: What do you want from life?
10 years old: “A BB gun.”
20 years old: “For my band to make it big.”
40 years old: “For my band to make it big.”
60 years old: “To be left alone.”

Question: Where would you like to live?
10 years old: “On the moon.”
20 years old: “In a clean apartment.”
40 years old: “Where there are no alimony payments.”
60 years old: “‘Like’ might be reaching too high.”

Question: At what age were you the most happy?
10 years old: “Now.”
20 years old: “At 18. Now I have to pay rent.”
40 years old: “At 21. It’s all been downhill from there.”
60 years old: “‘Happy’ is a relative term.”

Question: Who is your biggest hero?
10 years old: “Batman.”
20 years old: “Batman.”
40 years old: “Hugh Hefner.”
60 years old: “Oxycontin.”

And finally …

Question: Are you glad it’s your birthday?
10 years old: “Yes. I’m getting a BB gun.”
20 years old: “Yes. I’m getting a new apartment.”
40 years old: “Yes. I’m getting a second divorce.”
60 years old: “You’re an idiot.”
I’m just sayin’, big birthdays are brutal.


Comment at jwalker@the-signal.com or at http://Twitter.com/DontSeriously.

 

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