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Jim Walker: Get ready for Mid-Year’s Eve on July 1

Don't Take Me Seriously

Posted: June 22, 2012 2:00 a.m.
Updated: June 22, 2012 2:00 a.m.

 I think last year at this time I bemoaned the fact that the longest day of the year (which in 2012 was two days ago, amigos) begins the summer.

Somehow, in my mind, anyway, that longest day should come somewhere around late August.

It just seems wrong that each day of summer is shorter than the previous day, as if summer was already dying as it was born.

Of course, philosophers would say the same holds true for each of our lives, as well, which is probably why any born-dying visualization is so frigging depressing.

But here’s something even more bring-downish, my friends. You see, with 2012 being a leap year, having a nice, even number of 366 days, the first half of this year will neatly end … just nine days from now, on July 1. Yup, the last half of 2012 will begin on July 2.


I mean, gentle ones, we are already nudging halfway through a calendar year that will end a few days short of 366 anyway because of the whole end of the world thing on Dec. 21.

Or had you forgotten?

I wonder, does the concept of a “calendar” continue to exist when there is no one left alive to conceptualize it?

But no matter ….

In the spirit of “break out the booze, strike up the band and go down with the ship,” I propose Sunday, July 1 be celebrated as Mid-Year’s Eve, with the appropriate festive events leading into the wee hours, and with hangovers suffered during a generous and paid day off on Monday, July 2. (We won’t have the Rose Bowl on July 2, but we can watch the Florida State Spring Game on ESPNU.)

At least that’s the way I’m going to work it. Let’s consider Mid-Year’s Eve as practice for the big going-out bash the world will throw on Dec. 20.

And, by the way, since everything will be free on Dec. 20 because everyone knows “you can’t take it with you,” if you haven’t already, the mid-year would be a good time to start looting your savings accounts, racking up the charge cards and purchasing world’s-end prayers from Rent-A-Monk, where the motto is “All the money belongs to God: It just gets recycled.”

FYI, in that spirit of recycling money, you can purchase prayers much cheaper at my helpful website – you know, once one of you faithful provides the cash to get it up and operational. But for now, just know it is www.JimPleads4U.

Here you will receive the benefit of our vast experience. We are constantly discovering and cataloguing the word sequences and prayer techniques that do not work, and we avoid that ever-expanding category, so our odds of hitting a bull’s-eye for you are much higher than those of the average prayer factory.

Oh, and in that same vein, we also offer discounts on our sin-eating services, because, well, everything you provide has to be gluten-free and high-fiber.

But get on this now because, as it we get closer to Dec. 20, we expect pretty high volume. And, truthfully, during the entire month of December our staff will be in Cancun “praying for” early subscribers.

Getting back to Mid-Year’s Eve, now would also be a good time for you to get back on track with your 2012 New Year’s and World End resolutions.

I mean, Dec. 20 will be far too late to accomplish anything wholesome. Of course, if your interests lean toward the unwholesome, well, you and I can probably wait until the last minute, if need be.

Now is also a good time to push toward the completion of the tasks on your bucket list. I mean, all of the sky-diving services, bungee-jumping operations and learn-to-be-a-clown schools are going to be booked up later in the year.

Now is the time to push toward the finish of your novel and mail it soon to 100 publishing houses. Who cares if they don’t like it? You will have finished it, and at least 100 assistants to the assistant editor will have read it, which is enough success when the world is toast.

My friends, consider Mid-Year’s Eve as a day to take stock and cash in stocks, to re-analyze and revitalize, to pre-pray and par-tay. The clock is ticking.

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