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John Boston's very own $250B bailout

How Beige Was My Valley

Posted: November 29, 2008 8:26 p.m.
Updated: November 30, 2008 4:55 a.m.
"No satirist shall be left behind."
- The Dubyuh

In a move characterized as "bizarre" and "startling" by world economic gurus, outgoing Secretary of the Treasury Henry "Pat" Paulson announced yet another bailout yesterday. The Federal government will be earmarking some $250 billion toward bailing out John Boston.

This marks the first time a private citizen will be the recipient of funds heretofore reserved for bloated mega multinational corporations and outdated Detroit automakers.

"The rules of the game have changed," Paulson said. "In the case of AIG and Citibank, they were too big to go under. But in Boston's case, he's simply too small to be allowed to fail."

"I surely could have used that support in high school," Boston said. "Still. It's a welcome influx of capital, especially coming this close to Christmas."

Members of Congress were somewhat divided about bailing out a lower-case rural political satirist.

"I think the feeling on Capitol Hill, harrumph, is that if we can make one person solvent, then the rest of the nation will, harrumph, follow suit," harrumphed Congressman "Moe" Howard "Buck" McKeon, R-SClarita.

Boston was grilled all yesterday in a special Saturday session of a joint congressional committee.

"This does not mean, sir, that you will be given a quarter of a trillion dollars with no strings attached," said a visibly angry Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-The Philippines, to the obviously shaken recipient.

"Senator, words cannot express the sorrow of accepting $250 billion from the American taxpayers," Boston said. "So, with this committee's permission, I am going to display my abject humiliation with this small performance art."

With that, Boston stood, buttoned his sports coat, and rolled in front of the committee dais in a gesture of supine submission while making injured puppy noises.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Never-Neverland, the one with the Norma Desmond I'm-ready-for-my-closeup-Mr. DeMille goofy eyeballs, was not moved.

"With the entire fabric of our country falling apart, we want some sort of guarantee," Pelosi demanded.

A seemingly contrite Boston offered: "I swear, man. This time it will be different."

Under his breath, Boston was unfortunately heard muttering, "And I guarantee that when the check arrives tomorrow morning, I'm going to be rich and you're still going to be wall-eyed."

The 40-plus Boston indicated he will integrate the funds in a three-tiered plan:

"First, we must act quickly to stop the bleeding. There's that bothersome electric bill to pay. You know. No electricity/no daytime TV? And there's that food thing I need to figure out," Boston confessed.

"I'm not making promises, but I envision stuffing myself with mouthfuls of lobster and gargling with a ridiculously expensive white wine, perhaps something in the $20-a-bottle range.

"After fixing me being dizzy from hunger, the next step is to start investing in the local economy, where it all starts," Boston said.

The award-winning author indicated he was interested in staging televised fistfights between Santa Clarita Valley prostitutes and monkeys.

"It's a win-win, win-win-win formula," Boston said. "The prostitutes get paid. The monkeys get paid. And both factions are kept off the streets, where they don't belong. Is that not four wins?"

Boston indicated he was investigating the purchase of the financially strapped Newhall Land and Farming Co., calling it "The Formerly Financially Strapped Newhall Land."

"My first business would be to make Marlee Lauffer president and CEO," Boston said, "as long as she snaps gum at the board meetings, wears mink, winks at me and calls me ‘Daddy' during the board meetings. Of course, being worth not just $250 billion - but $250 guaranteed billion - I can afford to have everyone call me ‘Daddy.'"

Boston even hinted that he might look into purchasing the financially strapped city of SClarita and calling it: "The Former Financially Strapped - Whhhhiii-TOOOSH! Devo Whip-cracking Sound - City of SClarita."

"I'd like to bring the spirit of the New Federalism to this valley," Boston said. "With all this time and cash on my hands, I see a need to re-organize the community through not just racial profiling, but profiling by height, weight, hair color and width of buttocks."

Boston noted that people with really large buttocks in the valley would be moved closer to the Equator "to abate the effects of global warming."

"It is simply gigantimus," drawled outgoing President George-Dubyuh Bush, "but as long as I am president, no satirist shall be left behind."

"Now, looky here," President-elect Barack Obama said. "Once we get John Boston healthy, once we get John Boston spending, then necessarily, this will be the very stimulus needed to get the world's sluggish economy healthy again."

Boston agreed with the next chief executive, noting that he might cut a sizeable check to Mr. Obama's 2112 (coincidentally, the end of the world according to Mayan calendars) campaign if the 44th president will drop the annoying habit of starting every sentence with, "Now, looky here. ..."

"The importance of John Boston cannot be underestimated," said Hank Geithner, Obama's designated Secretary of the Treasury. "Think of Boston as two quarts of warm Ex-Lax insistently pushing through a chronically constipated large colon that is the American financial system."

In a hastily called press conference just 20 minutes later, a spokesman for Boston, Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks, admonished the nation's media: "You can stop thinking about him now as two quarts of warm Ex-Lax. That's all. Go home."

"The beauty of this is it will create tens of thousands of jobs, most of them in the federal sector," said Vice President-elect Dick Cheney, who, in a complicated back-room deal, was traded for Joe Biden due to Joe's "knucklehead" factor and Obama's wishes to make a "smooth transition."

"The bureaucracies needed to pay even one individual $250 billion will be incomprehensibly complex," Cheney said, eyes glazed over at the thought.

A highly placed source who asked to remain anonymous (Bill Clinton) noted that "needed will be buildings - big, huge, monolithic buildings with no discernible aesthetic and no parking places, which, of course, will require the purchase of more land to buy parking places.

"There'll be special ramps for the handicapped, forms, forms to compliment the original forms, forms to contradict the complimentary forms, brain-dead federal staff-staff-staff to create obfuscation on an intergalactic scale and busty interns with low self-esteem and white, fleshy thighs. Think of it as a model for a new Soviet Union, albeit dedicated to one person."

"I have three words to describe my new vision," Boston said. "Blond Mormon Pirates."

Soon to be the world's richest person, Boston said he might consider buying the states of Wyoming and Utah "and a giant eraser with which to erase the border.

"As the United States hurtles toward anarchy and a new Ice Age, I look to Somalia as the next sexy economic model," Boston said. "Rogue feudal states and piracy are the things of the future. I like the work ethic of Mormons and cowboys, the two major exports of Utah and Wyoming.

"We build a wall around the new überstate and start hijacking stuff from Idaho, Nevada, Colorado and such. Nebraska we'll pretty much ignore because who wants to hike the tundra just to capture wind and bleakness? We'll build a pirate state and grow fat on kidnapping, theft and wife-selling. We'll conquer other states, but we'll grow sensibly."

Beginning in early 2009, Washington will create a new federal agency entitled Foony Poo to not replace, but augment, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae in the allocation of the quarter trillion dollars that will transfer to Boston.

"We thought about calling it just ‘Bernie Mac,'" a spokesman said, "but it just seemed so wrong."

When asked if Boston had any advice for the common man who would not be getting a $250 billion bailout, the journalist suggested:

"Just go back to the beginning of this column and read it very slowly. Then, replace my name with yours. If anything, the exercise should provide three soothing minutes of imaginary relief from the cascading madness."

John Boston has earned 117 alleged major national, regional and California awards for writing excellence. His column appears Fridays and Sundays in The Signal.


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