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Santa Claus home safety 101

Humor: A tongue-in-cheek look at Christmas Eve and keeping that jolly old elf in one piece tonight

Posted: December 24, 2011 1:55 a.m.
Updated: December 24, 2011 1:55 a.m.
 

Most of us would like Santa to complete his rounds this evening without getting into any mischief or suffering any injury. A bazillion little kids depend on it.

But even if you harbor ill will for the big man over some childhood gift you never received, you need to remember that, the world being what it is today, if you don’t take the proper precautions, and Santa gets hurt, your homeowner’s insurance may leave you hanging like a stocking on the mantle.

Santa just might sue you for pain, inability to work and the suffering of those bazillion kids, which could, pretty much, spoil next Christmas.

Safety first

When it comes to taking Santa precautions, it might help to visualize him as a combination of toddler and teenage delinquent. Anything that he might bust, ingest, trip over, fall down or walk into needs to be in ship shape, and anything he can use to cause trouble needs to be removed. I mean, he’s been known to go so far as to reprogram your cable box, just to give you something to do on Christmas Day.

Yeah, ho, ho, ho.

The obvious

Now, there are the obvious things you should consider to keep Santa safe, and many of these will benefit your other holiday guests, or your own family, as well.

Fireplace: Don’t go to bed tonight with a fire burning in your fireplace. You run the risk of your house burning down, of course, but also the risk of Santa getting a hot foot and bypassing your home altogether.

And he doesn’t care if the gifts he’s bringing get singed or melted, either.

Tree lights: Similarly, turn off your Christmas tree lights when you go to bed. After three weeks in the stand, that tree is getting kind of crispy, and could go up in a mushroom cloud with the slightest spark. And don’t worry about Santa. He can see in the dark, and the “beauty” of your tree isn’t going to impress him.

Pets: Consider Santa’s surprise entry, and lock up your rottweiler in the kitchen or a bedroom tonight. If your dog takes a chunk out of Santa, well, that just might fall through the hostile work environment loophole in your insurance.  

Not so obvious

Landing strip: Since it is well-known that Santa lands his sleigh on your rooftop, and then hikes across said rooftop to your chimney, it is only wise that your roofing material be secure. Get up there and check it today. Any loose shingles or broken tiles or problem areas need to be marked off with yellow hazard tape.

Broken glass: As I alluded to, Santa is clumsy. If he knocks one of your tree ornaments onto the sofa, and then sits on it while he munches the cookies you put out, well, you might wake to the howling.

You pretty much need to pick up around your living room as if you were having a grabby toddler visit. Keep all glass, sharp objects and breakables out of reach.

Spoilage: The aforementioned cookies might become dry before Santa gets around to them, in which case he might “accidentally” grind one of them into our carpet. So try to keep them fresh. But worse is if the milk or eggnog you leave out goes bad.

Oh, he’ll drink it down, because that’s his job. But you might find your curtains wearing it in the morning if he hurls.

Booze: Have ever noticed the fill line on your whisky or wine bottles is a bit lower on Christmas morning than it was when you went to bed on Christmas Eve?

Now, if you have teenagers in the house, or Grandma visiting, you might have your answer. (Why do you think she got run over by reindeer?) But Santa has also been known to make himself at home at your bar. And your sample of spirits may be the one that puts him beyond function.

You just might find him sleeping it off on your couch when the sun comes up. That’s not to mention the damage he might do when he gets the urge to tango with the hat rack.

Oh, yes he will

And, finally, even if you live alone, and plan on having your paramilitary extremist group gather to exchange hand-knit scarves Christmas morning — do not leave your commando knives, guns, gunpowder or dynamite lying around when you turn in the night before.

Santa finds these playthings irresistible, and when he is hopped up on too much sugar, as he always is, weapons bring out a mean streak.

People, let’s be safe out there.

jwalker@the-signal.com

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