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On Election Day, all this man wants is your vote

Posted: October 26, 2008 7:30 p.m.
Updated: December 28, 2008 5:00 a.m.

Valencia resident Stephen Thomas, a local comedian, has announced a run for the presidency, and is promising to do "absolutely nothing" if elected.

 
Yeah, it's funny - until someone loses an election.

Funny, that is, for local presidential candidate Stephen Thomas, who actually seems to make sense on issues that don't involve flatulence, infomercials and "noogies."

"If elected, I promise to do absolutely nothing," he said.

Thomas, a 38-year-old married Valencia man with a 9-year-old daughter, is running for president, and he is on the campaign trail drumming up support.

He urges anyone swayed by his promise to "do absolutely nothing" to write his name on the ballot in the open space provided.

"I wrote my dad's name down for several years," Thomas said. "If he won I figured I'd get a good ambassador post somewhere."

Thomas paused for a moment, gave it some thought, and continued.

"He's getting up there ... like John McCain," he said.

This year, however, Thomas is not settling for an ambassadorial post somewhere. He's going for the top spot - for real.

You won't find his name on the ballot Nov. 4 because he didn't get around to filling out all the required forms.

Why? Because his platform and only political promise is to do absolutely nothing.

Thomas has a Web site, a MySpace page and a devout following that appears to be growing with disaffected voters.

A comedian for more than 12 years, Thomas says his experience has prepared him perfectly for the presidency.

"There's a gang of 535 idiots in Washington, and my idea is to stop them from doing things," Thomas said. "I will go from office to office, giving noogies and purple nerples."

What about wedgies?

"If it comes to that, I will go to nuclear wedgies. No option is off the table," he said.

"Remember those guys in high school who were always cutting class, smoking behind the school bus? I think they're all working for the Transportation Safety Association. I think we've found them," Thomas said.

His rant expressing disappointment and distrust for the government and both leading presidential candidates has found a sympathetic ear on the Internet.

"I will spend four years doing absolutely nothing," he said again. "If you ask my wife, she'll tell you I'm completely qualified."

But, if you ask him about specific issues such as the economy or heatlh care, don't be surprised if you start thinking before you start laughing.

"If you think the government should be in charge of health care you need to go down to the (Department of Motor Vehicles) more often."

And, for small businesses, the first $50,000 paid out by businesses should carry no payroll tax.

"That's so no one can accuse me of tilting toward the rich," he said.

Thomas was born and raised in Columbus, Ohio, the state many political pundits consider critical to winning the presidential election.

"It is a battleground state. I should carry that easily," he said with bravado. "Unless, of course, my ex-girlfriends turn out to vote."

And, he's not worried about scandal as many a candidate has in years gone by.

"I have so many skeletons in my closet that when you open the door it's like a haunted house in there," he said.

The presidency is his calling, he said.

"I decided to devote my life to public service by telling fart jokes for a living."

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