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Steve Lunetta: Getting some truth out of the WOPER

Right About Now

Posted: February 21, 2011 1:55 a.m.
Updated: February 21, 2011 1:55 a.m.

We have an exciting announcement! The research and development department here at the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy has been hard at work for the past several years developing a device so stunning that it will set the political world on its ear.

The device is highly technical and complicated. And the contents are clearly proprietary — although some may claim that its simply a shoe box with an old TV set “bunny ears” antennae glued to the top.

But that’s just a cunning disguise for what lies inside. This ingenious device can translate political speech into what a politician actually means to say.

Think about it — we now have a way to blow through the smoke and lies that a politician says and find out what he or she really means!

We have named the machine the Wiz-bang Organizational Personal Electronic Responder, or WOPER for short. 

To validate the WOPER, we started with an easy one. We took former president Bill Clinton’s infamous “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky” statement and fed it into the device.

After a few whirs and clicks, a piece of paper was emitted from the slit near the bunny ears that said “I like chunky girls and what Hillary doesn’t know won’t hurt her — or me.”

This startling success got us thinking. What if we fed in a truthful statement? We selected Ronald Reagan’s famous “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” declaration and fed it into the WOPER. Out came “Mr. Gorbachev, we have broken the back of your evil empire. Time to free the world from Soviet tyranny.” 

Astounding. The WOPER was proven 100 percent accurate in political translation. Time to put the device into action using current-day political statements.

With the recent events in Egypt, the WOPER may prove useful in interpreting the statements of former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak.

Mubarak recently declared that he was “adamant to continue to shoulder my responsibility to protect the constitution and safeguard the interests of the people.” 

With a few clicks and a whir, the WOPER had the translation. “I intend to hold onto power as long as I can, regardless of the cost to my nation or people. I have no understanding that the risk to the Egyptian people due to my obstinance could result in the emergence of another radical Islamic state.”

On the American side, President Obama has said that “it was not clear that an immediate and meaningful transition to democracy was taking place, and too many Egyptians are not convinced that the government is serious about making genuine change.”

The WOPER went to work immediately. The output read “Where is Egypt, anyway? I know it’s somewhere near those pesky Israelites but I’m not sure. What is a Mubarak? Sounds like a trendy drinking place in Los Angeles.”

Hmm. We decided to try something a bit closer to home for the president. 

When preparing the nation for his health care “reform” package, Mr. Obama declared “The cost of health care has weighed down our economy and our conscience long enough. So let there be no doubt, health care reform cannot wait, it must not wait and it will not wait another year.”

The WOPER had to work extra-hard on this one. Five minutes later, out came the answer. “I will seize control of your health care insurance and redistribute it as I see fit. The free market does not apply in health care so I want the government to control it. I do not care if you don’t want insurance; I will make you pay for it whether you like it or not.”

On the topic of illegal immigration, Obama declared: “As we continue to strengthen our economy and jump-start job creation, we need to do so with an immigration system that works, not the broken system we have now.”

Once again, the WOPER went to work. The paper read: “The only jobs that I intend to create are low-income minimum wage jobs that only illegals will take. I am not concerned about the many people that try to do it the right way. I’m going to put illegals ahead of them and enjoy the political benefits of pandering to this segment of the population.”

Success! The WOPER has proven more than capable of evaluating political statements.

With champagne corks flying we toast the success of our latest project. Rest assured, the VRWC will continue to develop the tools needed to navigate today’s tricky political waters.

Steve Lunetta is a resident of Santa Clarita and helped develop the WOPER by testing it on his kids. This column represents his own opinions and not necessarily those of the Signal.


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