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Steve Lunetta: My 2010 Christmas wish list

Right About Now

Posted: November 28, 2010 10:31 p.m.
Updated: November 29, 2010 4:55 a.m.
 

Ever notice that Christmas starts earlier each year? I noticed back in the second week of October that Home Depot already had the blow-up Santa snow globes and the creepy wicker reindeer out for sale. 

For me, Thanksgiving is always the start of Christmas. On Black Friday, while Trish is throwing elbows in Walmart and Target at 5 a.m., I arise at 8 a.m. and begin to pull the Christmas decorations out of the garage.

I like to do this while Trish is shopping because this is when I weed out the old, ratty decorations. You know what I am talking about — the ball of red and green popcorn ornament made by your son in third grade that is now falling apart and riddled with insect holes. Never mind that the kid is now 34, married and has third-graders of his own.

Yep — they disappear into the waste can without a second thought. Unless Trish catches me.

Anyway, now that the Christmas season is officially upon us, I thought it appropriate to share my Christmas wish list with all of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy’s loyal readers. 

Some of you may think it laughable that a grown man would write a Christmas list for Santa. Is that any more ridiculous than thinking that a retread governor from the 1970s will be able to save us from our current state fiscal distress? Or that an inner-city “community activist” would be a good president?

I think not. Therefore, here is my list for jolly old Saint Nick:

“Dear Santa,
I want to apologize for all of the nasty, mean-spirited, but very funny things I’ve said about Democrats all year. I hope you realize it was all in good fun and that my status on the “Nice” list has not been jeopardized. Of course, Patricia Skinner Sulpizio should remain on the “Naughty” list for her latest “Hypocrites” column (she is a poet and didn’t know it).

First of all, I would like a new owner for the Dodgers. Somebody with the last name of O’Malley would be nice, but I’ll take just about anyone right now. Also, if we could get a power hitter and a decent starting pitcher, that would be good.

Second, I’d like fiscal responsibility in Sacramento. I’m not really sure how it will be delivered, since a Republican in Sacramento is about as scarce as a Democrat in the Santa Clarita Valley. But we need some wisdom and prudence in our capital. 

Third, you’ve already given us the early Christmas present of a Republican House. But I’d like you to give filmmaker Michael Moore a dose of reality. On Larry King last week, Moore claimed through twisted logic that the tremendous losses sustained by the Democrats earlier this month were somehow a victory. I hope the dose you have given him is strong enough to cut through his self-delusion.

Fourth, could you deliver a cruise missile to the capital of North Korea? On second thought, never mind. I think the U.S. Navy is going to do that shortly. How long will we continue to be threatened and intimidated by this petulant Third World pea of a country? Time to teach them to behave and play nice.

Fifth, I need a new Speedo swimsuit for my next business trip. Santa, I hope you don’t have to go through the full-body scan and pat down process from the Transportation Safety Administration that most of us must suffer. However, I am greatly enamored of this new trend. We should just strip down to our skivvies and walk through. Ain’t no touching my junk if its obvious there’s no place to hide anything.

Sixth, please bring us a library system that is inexpensive to run, offers us free espressos and lattes, has big comfy chairs, gives us access to the county library system and is only a block away from each of our homes. Oh, wait. That is a pipe dream, not a Christmas wish.

Seventh, I have a Christmas wish for President Barack Obama. Although I disagree strongly with his views and policies, I pray for him and his family. He is my president, and I must respect the office. Santa, give him the gift of wisdom, foresight and strength. But only for two years ’cause he won’t need it after that.

Finally, Santa, please remind people why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. All of this commercialism and consumerism really takes our eyes off what is important. The birth of our Savior Jesus Christ is the greatest gift of all.”

Steve Lunetta is a resident of Santa Clarita and Santa always finds his house. Always. The opinions expressed in his column are not necessarily those of The Signal. He can be reached at slunetta63@yahoo.com.

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