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Steve Lunetta: Odd King Jerry’s career needs to end

Right About Now

Posted: September 12, 2010 10:56 p.m.
Updated: September 13, 2010 4:55 a.m.

Once upon a time, in the Land of Nutsnfruits, lived good King Arnold. But, we’ve already talked about this king in a previous fairy tale, so he ain’t getting any more ink.

Today, we are talking about an old king from long, long ago. In fact, the bard who writes this column was only in high school and can scarce remember this king’s previous tenure.

However, a brief review of Wikipedia and other websites refreshed this writer’s memory of Odd King Jerry.

Odd King Jerry ruled the Land of Nutsnfruits from 1975 through 1983. His rule immediately followed King Ronald the Lionhearted, who slew many fire-breathing liberals who thought government should be larger and more taxes should be levied upon all.

Ronald eventually became the Great King of all the Lands. Many believe his image should be on Mount Rushmore. But I digress.

Odd King (OK) Jerry was an interesting soul in his younger years. Educated at University of California, Berkeley by the leftist toads and trolls, OK Jerry became the darling of migrant workers and anti-Vietnam War groups after he became an attorney and entered politics in the late 1960s.

In 1970, he ran for secretary of state and, to the shock of many, won. Having the exact same name as his famous father, Odd Old King Pat (both are named Edmund), it is believed that many voters in Nutsnfruits had no idea who they were voting for.

While secretary of state, OK Jerry took up his lance and did battle with the evil monsters; Standard Oil, Gulf Oil, Mobil and ITT. For, as we all know, these monsters were bad for the land and only brought bad things to the people like jobs, security and prosperity.

In 1974, Odd King Jerry became King of Nutsnfruits and became known as a fiscal conservative. He was so much of a “conservative” that he stopped most infrastructure spending in the state.  This paved the way for much of the disastrous condition of our water and transportation systems today.

In 1978, he opposed Proposition 13, a measure approved by the good people of Nutsnfruits to cut property taxes and limit the size of government. To his credit, he was able to balance the budget after the cuts forced by Prop 13. 

Unfortunately, this just goes to show that he could have controlled the size of government and overtaxation if he wanted but, unless he was forced to take action, he would simply behave as any other tax-and-spend liberal king.

Each of the kings of Nutsnfruits has a portrait painted of himself and hung in the Great Palace of Sacramentless. Odd King Jerry’s portrait was truly odd, looking as if it was painted by a dyslexic chimpanzee, high on ’shrooms. 

OK Jerry attempted three times to be elected Great King of all the lands. He was defeated by Great King Carter, Great King Clinton and Mary Jo’s Teddy. 

In 1982, Odd King Jerry attempted to become senator and lost to Pete Wilson. Ironically, he was defeated by a mere fly.

A fruit fly, really.

The government’s mishandling of the infestation cost the state millions, and all of our chariots were covered with sticky malathion sprayed from the air at night.

It is odd how an environmentalist would endorse the spraying of poison onto the good people of Nutsnfruits.

After OK Jerry was kicked out of politics, many thought he was finished as he retreated to Japan to worship waxed fruit and learn the mystic language of Klingon. But he returned.

In 1998, he became the mayor of Oakland, a place infested with Raiders. Many believe he was elected mayor due to his vibrant silver and black attire. I personally think it was the numerous spikes on his shoulder pads.

While mayor, OK Jerry left the Democratic Party, then returned to it. His initial departure was prompted by the party’s “lack of progressive ideals.” Apparently, the situation mysteriously changed shortly after his election.

In 2004, Odd King Jerry was elected attorney general. A couple of years later when Democratic Party fundraiser Norman Hsu was apprehended on a previous warrant, OK Jerry’s office conveniently “forgot” to make Hsu turn in his passport after release on bail.

Hsu promptly fled the state but was fortunately apprehended in Colorado. Jerry had received a large campaign contribution from Hsu two years earlier.

Let us hope that the good people of Nutsnfruits will not repeat mistakes of the past and end the political career of Odd King Jerry in November once and for all.

Steve Lunetta is a resident of Nutsnfruits and lives a fairy-tale life with Princess Trish. His column represents his own opinions and not necessarily those of Ye Olde Signal.


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