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Letters to the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy office

Right Here Right Now

Posted: August 3, 2008 10:09 p.m.
Updated: October 5, 2008 5:02 a.m.

We here at the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy get numerous letters in the course of a political season. Some are kind and some are profane, but all of them are worthy of review and reflection.

Our favorites, of course, come from our friends on the left whose tortured logic, convoluted hyperbole, and butchered alliteration cause us great mirth and merriment (but, please, use more pen and less crayon).

So, without further pomp and pretext, we will attempt to respond on our favorite letters.

Dear Lunetta,
You are a name-calling troll. I have never read such worthless political tripe in all my life. The Signal should be embarrassed to run your stuff. You make me sick.

Response: I am so happy you took the time to read the columns. It brings me great joy to know that we are still free in this great land (at least for another few months) to express our opinions without fear of repercussion. And the same to the horse you rode in on.

Dear Right Wingers,
My umm purpose in writing to err you this umm err day is to err umm share with you my err umm err hope that the err err err conservative wing umm will embrace the err hope and change umm umm err that I bring the nation.
B. Obama

Response: Can we hope that your teleprompter does not break down again and that you change your speech writer?

Dear RAN/RHRN Writers,
Very rarely do I see such well-written and articulate pieces in a local newspaper. Kennedy, Strickland, Koegle, the Wilks and the entire team deserve kudos for the excellent job that they do.
An Enthusiastic Conservative Fan

Thanks, Mom.

Dear Conservatives in the SCV,
How do I get conservatives on-board the Straight-Talk Express? What will it take to convince you that I am the candidate to move our country forward?
J. McCain

Response: Conservatives are simple to understand and easy to please. We believe that “the government that governs best is the government that governs least.” Government must not be “activist” and attempt to control all aspects of life and commerce. A government that attempts to outlaw mylar balloons, for example, has clearly overstepped its bounds. Ronald Reagan once said, “I don’t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.” Just because something is good or worthwhile does not necessarily mean that it must be mandated or required. We must be free to make both good and bad choices.

A government that penalizes successful entrepreneurs and rewards the lazy and shiftless should be limited. Taxing the rich is not the answer. Expanding economic opportunity and growing business increases tax revenues.

Further, we believe that individuals are responsible for their own actions. Should complex laws and regulations be placed on the lending industry to “control” bad lending practices? More appropriately, we should hold accountable those who made bad loans, took advantage of gullible borrowers, and bought bad financial instruments.

Further, if you borrowed money without any way to repay it, you deserve to lose your home and have your credit ruined. Your stupidity is not my responsibility.

Finally, conservatives believe that laws should be obeyed. Our society is based on the rule of law. When some feel that the law can be ignored, we begin to lose the thing that made the American Experiment unique. Laws rule, not men.

Dear Right-Wingers,
Oreos or Chips Ahoy?
G. Bush

Response: The age-old question. Almost as challenging as Coke vs. Pepsi. I go with Oreos. One small twist reveals that wonderful sweetened pig lard that I just can’t resist.

Dear Future Members of the Rainbow Coalition,
Once again, I apologize for my unfortunate comments regarding my great friend, Barack Obama. The use of the “N-word” was unfortunate. And under no circumstances would I remove a body part from his anatomy.
J. Jackson

Why do you get a “pass” when no one else does? You stood before America and asked entertainers not to use the N-word (CBS News, 11/27/06). But you continue to use the word in private conversations. You are either a hypocritical bigot or simply a small man jealous of another’s success. Which is it?

Dear All-Knowing Sports Swamis
Will the Dodgers win the Series this year?

Response: Let’s put it this way: The Dodgers have as much chance of winning the Series as the Republicans have of winning Congress. The addition of Casey Blake should shore up the offense. In the weak NL West, the added bat should be enough to get them past the Diamondbacks. But no one is beating the Cubs this year.

Thanks for the letters and keep them coming!

Steve Lunetta is a Santa Clarita resident. His column reflects his own views, not necessarily those of The Signal. “Right Here, Right Now” runs Fridays in The Signal and rotates among local Republican writers.


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