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'I hate you, Hillary Clinton'

Fill Speed to Port!

Posted: May 2, 2008 12:38 a.m.
Updated: July 1, 2008 5:02 a.m.
 
There's a new pop movie playing over at the Town Center called "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Basically, it's about a nice guy who's been dumped by his hot TV star girlfriend for a flashy boy toy. While it looks nominally entertaining, what's most compelling isn't the movie itself, but rather its grassroots, "viral"
advertising campaign.

Perhaps you, too, have seen those white-and-black billboards and bus-stop signs all over town? Large black handwritten text across plain white backgrounds:

"I HATE YOU SARAH MARSHALL."

"MY MOM ALWAYS HATED YOU SARAH MARSHALL."

I've seen them nearly everywhere. At first I thought it was a one-up, graffiti kind of deal where some heartbroken SCV punk was getting back at a heart throb SCV prom queen who rejected him for the prom or the Under the Sea dance. But no, as weeks past the signs multiplied. Surely this wasn't the work of just one disturbed teen needing to call the SCV Youth Project for a quick anger management session.

The ad campaign worked brilliantly. The movie became a hit, and here I am, a political columnist, writing about the silly thing. But there's a madness behind my madness. We can get inspiration from a variety of unlikely sources. And I'm just about ready to take out some bus-stop advertising myself.
And you know what my signs will say, don't you?

"I HATE YOU HILLARY CLINTON"
and
"MY WIFE ALWAYS HATED YOU HILLARY CLINTON"
and
"ANYONE WITH SCRUPLES HATES YOU HILLARY CLINTON."

Yeah. I'd like to see those all over the country.

Especially all over the apparently most gullible state in the union, Pennsylvania. Maybe I should have put them up two weeks ago when Hillary proved it's easy enough to spread slander and sell tickets or buy votes.

How do I hate you, Hillary Clinton? Well, let me count the ways.

I hate you because you're a narcissistic candidate damaging your own party's prospects because of your limitless self-obsession and greed for power. You've lost. You cannot win. Not ethically, at least. The numbers cannot and will not add up. So rather than graciously support the party front-runner, you've taken cues from Karl Rove and engaged the smear politics of personal destruction. I hate you for it.

Even more so, because you've aimed your smear against a decent man ... a man who, like his future opponent John McCain, promises a dignified presidential campaign - unlike what we've seen over the past 40 years.

And I hate you, Hillary Clinton, because you've stooped to exploit the Bush-method politics of fear.
Your candidacy is gasping for air and you spout off with "It's 3 a.m. and the phone rings" - attempting to unnerve those who so dearly desire hope over fear.

But that stunt didn't scare up enough votes. So you became the first Democratic candidate to wave the bloody shirt of 9-1-1, running scary grainy pictures of Osama Bin Laden. "Vote Hillary or the boogeyman comes back." You smelled like George Bush when you pulled that stunt, and I hate you for demeaning the Democratic Party by stooping so low.

I hate you for your lies and exaggerations. Maybe it's the stress of 24/7 campaigning, but more likely you simply don't have a functional moral compass discerning the difference between truth and political expediency. For you, expediency becomes your reality and actual reality is an inconvenience.

So when caught in your distortions, you slither and dither. Funny, after you widely misrepresented Obama's comments on guns and faith, a reporter thought it wise to touch you with a reality check: "Hillary, when was the last time you fired a gun or went to church yourself?" Your pathetic response, "You know what?
That is not a relevant question for this debate. I mean, you know, we can answer that some other time."

Hillary, I hate you because you're duplicitous and a deceiver. You outright lie about rushing through blazing gunfire, and when caught, brush off the lie as though it was simply a failed old memory. Well, if your memory is what failed, you're medically unfit to be president. If it's not, then your integrity is the fault, and you're morally unfit to be president.

Hillary, I hate you because you're a sneaky, cowardly cheater. Unwilling to accept rules not in your favor, you attempt to substitute new rules, while deceptively placing the onus on others. "The hard-working people of Florida and Michigan have the right to be heard," you plead. But long before the vote, those rules were set. Obama didn't even campaign in Michigan and Florida. But losing by every measure - delegates, fundraising, won states, valid popular vote - you ply your smirky smile, arguing "the people" need to be heard. No dice. The truth is Hillary is 2008's Tonya Harding, crying for an electoral do-over.

And I hate you, Hillary Clinton, because you will always be a divider of our nation. If you somehow steal the nomination with stealthy back-room deals, you'll be forever despised by the 55 percent of the Democratic Party you cheated. And if you somehow make it past John McCain - a highly unlikely trick - nothing will ever change in Washington because Republicans so vehemently despise the Clinton name.
Republicans simply can't work with you - it's not in their genes. "Hillary" means four more years of deadlock from the get-go.

And perhaps most of all, Hillary Clinton, I hate you for something you can't even control. I hate what you represent. Dynasty politics. Just as we sure as hell don't ever need another Bush, we don't need another Clinton, either. We're weary and worn from the Hatfield and McCoys. The Montagues and Capulets.

America is done, finished, and kaput with stupid Bushes and smarmy Clintons. We want new blood, new ideas - indeed, new hope.

So Hillary, just let it go. Let America have a new day. Admit the numbers won't ever add up, and just let it happen.

John McCain and Barack Obama. A clean race between two honest, thoughtful individuals.

Gary Horton lives in Valencia. His column reflects his own views and not necessarily those of The Signal.

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