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Steve Lunetta: The real Jackson will

Posted: July 5, 2009 8:57 p.m.
Updated: July 6, 2009 4:55 a.m.
 
I believe the time has come for me to reveal a critical piece of information.

With the passing of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, I must now publicly announce that I am the only holder of Michael's true and actual will.

Sure, there are pretenders who claim to hold a will or lay claim to Michael's empire.

There is the lady in London who claims to be the true mother of all three of his children. She also claims to have 30 other children. Spawned by Lucifer.

And the fact that I never knew or met Michael is entirely beside the point. As he once said to me, "Steve, things are black or white. Either say the truth or not.

"Some people may think you are off the wall. Not me - you rock my world. Here's a copy of my will."

The will was filed with the famous Johnny Carson law firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, where the motto is "Wanna be startin' somethin'? Come see us."

And since lawyers are behind this, it has to be true.

As such, for the first time anywhere, Michael Jackson's will is hereby presented. It's sure to be a thriller.

"I, Michael Jackson, being of sound mind and sequined glove, do hereby declare this to be my last Will and Testament (or a fanciful representation of what it may might possibly look like - so leave me alone).

To my good friend, Speaker of the Assembly Karen Bass, D-Los Angeles, I leave common sense. While I just can't stop loving you, Karen, your pronounced lack of understanding that the state of California is not made of money is astounding.

Tell me I'm not dreamin' when you continue to raise taxes on people like me (the rich) and think this has no affect on the state. I can move away anytime I want to and take my money and jobs with me. Will you be there? I don't think so.

Also, when people disagree with you, they are not "terrorists." In a polite and free country, people may express their opinions. That isn't terrorism - that is freedom. Just remember: We are the world.

To my good friend Assemblyman Noreen Evans, D-Santa Rosa, who said: "Living within our means means nothing. It is meaningless," thank you for illustrating why Democratic control of government has brought us to the brink of disaster.

What more can I give? If you do not know how to manage the people's business, you should not have this job. And the problem is: You are not alone. Too many other Democratic legislators think the same way.

To my good friend, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar, I leave a backbone. But it appears that you may have found one lately.
Don't give up fighting for the reforms that we need in the state and don't stop until you get enough.

Don't allow the labor unions to destroy our state. Remember the time when the California budget was balanced, pay and retirement packages were fair, and unions did not dictate public policy?

We must return to that place, and quickly. Say, say, say that this can be done, Arnold!

To my good friend Billie Jean (who is not my lover), I leave my prescription drug collection and a troubled personal life that many believe included child molestation and endangerment. This will be an unfortunate and sad legacy that will forever stain a great entertainment career.

To my good friend and favorite opinion columnist Steve Lunetta, I leave my complete music library worth over a billion dollars to fund your upcoming run for governor.

The current administration is dangerous, but your common sense can help us come together for a brighter future.

Or, you could give a large chunk of it to Meg Whitman, the ex-CEO of eBay, who seems to be the best-qualified and most intelligent gubernatorial candidate we've had in many years. Remember, Meg, you can beat it.

Jerry Brown: For the good of all of us, you can't win.

To my dedicated fans who have listened to and bought my music over the years, I leave a legacy of amazing talent recorded and digitized for future generations.

Signed, Michael Jackson."

For you Michael Jackson fans out there: 18 references have been made to Michael Jackson songs in this column. Can you pick them out? Have fun.

Steve Lunetta is a Santa Clarita resident. His column reflects his own views, not necessarily those of The Signal. "Right About Now" runs Mondays in The Signal.

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